Thursday, January 21, 2010

Personal: Trying to jettison and save my sinking ship.

So it finally dawned on me. Some things are best forgotten and buried to the depths of your life's worst regrets. Things just don't go your way. It's not just your world. You don't own it. You just thrive in it. You live to live the days that you've borrowed. The truth is everyone lives in this world to satisfy themselves. We are like our hands. We point, we lure, we caress, we touch, we grope and for the most part, we push and pull. Symbolic.

She was everything I ever wanted. She was so close but I had to push and break it apart. Tear it. Mangle it. Hoping that it could somehow lead us to the understanding that we do need each other. I don't wanna be in the friendzone all my life. But was that the point of it really? Unfortunately, things just got logically melded that she ended up pushing and breaking me apart without even knowing it. Ironic. She made me get into hard and lyrical alternative rock. I ain't looking at you Alanis so shut up.

You have no idea how much it strangles me. It consumes me even with me denying to the expanse of my entire restraint. My leniency has turned me embittered. You are happy. You look so beautiful. You were like Christmas morning and I was a kid hoping for a gift that someone already got. But I am still hoping. I don't care what people think. They think I'm stupid. They even speculated. Well, I'm not dumb and they are stupid. They are daft, gormless, deliberately noncomprehending and perceptively unintelligent. They are goats.

If you ever come across this sanctum of mine, do not be wary of me - please. I would like to make it clear that I am no lowlife who follows you around and schemes of hurting you to get your attention. Stalking is not my stuff and don't you ever trust Facebook. I do still pray for and of you. I'm still hoping which is the only thing I ever could do. No one ever made me want to run and hide then cry my eyes out like you did. You were all I ever wanted. You made me want to love and seek to be loved. Sheesh. That was sappy and corny but I've always liked sappy and corny - privily.

Seriously, I passionately abhor you. Why? Because you make me crazy. You made me want to catch you all the time but I can't cause you won't. At least, for me; at least, for now.

I'm pretty sure that I sound like someone who just got straitjacketed. Confusing and contradicting. But, however this turns out and comes over to you, one thing remains true; I l*&# you. At least, for me; at least, for now.

**Pardon. Just letting it all hang out.