Monday, July 26, 2010

A narration.

I made this when I was still at school attending my degree about something with a major about whachamacallit. I found it in the 'tambakan'; place where stuff of yore are kept for its cherished value but is in time turned into decaying useless eccentricity. It was moldering over with dust, cobwebs and termite saliva. It would have been driven out of the place and into trash bins and off for the burning. Talk about preempted arson. Anyway, I managed to get a hold of it before it could meet its inevitable fate.


In our mere existence in this world, much have changed in us. Early in our wonder years, the time when we usually believe in the Bogeyman and the Sandman, there lived in us a world full of make believe. A world where we let our imaginations run free and where we can just simply be a child. It is a world of gallant characters woven up by our mere childish minds. A world that I'm sure that I'll never forget having met Mickey and his many varied friends across the gamut of animated fantasies there.

Out of nothing but suddenly, change entered. All that I believed in burst like a huge bubble. All those that I've relied on suffered by the circumstance of my age. It pained me most knowing that I could only do so much but hope and wait in vain. These were the frustrations I took with me as I saw the world in a whole new perspective. A world of responsibility and commitment. A world I still don't understand.

However, luckily, one true thing stayed with me. One thing that never slipped away through time; One thing that didn't ebb away into the waves of unrealized memories, chasms of aspirations, and lost into the doldrums of nothingness. One thing that, hitherto, I still hold in my hands.

The moment I became a moth.

Once upon a dream, there was a moth but this particular moth was unlike any other. He was different for one sure thing: He was the first, perhaps the only, of his kind to actually be amazed by the luminous pulchritude of the celestial beings of night, the stars, instead of settling for the imitative grace of the street lamps. Driven by his passion to reach the stars he said to his friend, "A time will come when I'll be hovering amongst those beauties. In one way or another, I will reach them on that most beautiful night."

"That time will never come. Those stars are too far and too high. There's no way that you could get there. You'd only end up trying.", his friend replied in snide.

"Who knows? But the sure thing is, I will make it. I know I can. It's not entirely impossible albeit no one has dared.", he replied with determination in his tone. "I'll be starting right now. I'll go early so by nighttime, I'm already there. When I come back, you can sulk at the corner while everyone beholds my awesomeness", he added jocularly.

"Yeah, whatever! When you've returned, I'll be just by the street lamps with the lot. Will be catching that bright fussy little thing inside and you'll be so sorry you didn't see it. I'm tellin' you no one'll be hoggin' that thing other than me", his friend replied jeeringly.

And so, the little moth went off. He flapped his wings unceasingly and got his vision fixed onto his goal. Every second, the sky was getting dimmer and dimmer and every moment, the stars' astounding magnitude more evident.

"There they are!"he exclaimed with wild excitement as the stars have finally become crystal clear. At that very moment, he started to flap his wings more enthusiastically and more rapidly. But, things were going nowhere. No matter how fast he goes, he can see that he's not getting any closer than he is far away from where he used to be. By every moment, he grew tired yet still unwavering in faith.

Days passed by and the moth was getting older and older. Yet, still he persevered to reach the stars. He was getting really tired; his wings were already protesting him but he went on. No sooner his body gave up. All that he had was gone. He could sense that he was falling and falling and falling. Hurtling towards gravity, towards earth, towards despair. Before he knew it, he fell with a thud. Reeling from the pain disparaging himself from not being able to do what was required and not of the fall, he dared one more time to look at where he sunk. He realized this little platform was not Earth. It was green and far from what he's known about the world below. As he continually pondered as to where he was, he saw foliage after foliage, slowly dancing to the zephyr of the night, emerging from trunks of what seemed like the branches of a sycamore tree.

He looked intently still at his surroundings, he finally realized his location. He was lying on a leaf of the gigantic tree that once held his fancy before. The one tree taller than any other tree they've been to. The tree no one of his lot dared go and surmount. It was the 'tree of hesitation'.

"You are beautiful my precious stars but my touch on you would come but naught. Perhaps, I'll see you in a while." Then, there he lay in sweet surrender. He can see the light before him. He was lifted up from where he was. He was appeased. All feeling have gone nevertheless, he felt joy in great abandon. He was hovering slowly up to where they are. Up to where dreams live in perpetuity.

This tale has always been with me. It has remained unchanged in my mind and subconsciousness throughout my years. It will always be a treasure cherished by so much of a dreamer as myself.

Failures and risks are a part of life. However, joy lies ahead of it. It is waiting to be taken and be shared with those that revel in its gift. Every existence is but a journey. It is not always how you thought it would turn out to be. Surprises lurk in every way possible. They are neither good nor bad. What they are is your choice. All these, we can never change and like it is the memory of my mornings, my own fable.

Note to self: What the hell happened to this guy? Tsk.

Monday, July 19, 2010

It's the truth.

I still feel the same way for you. I always have. I probably don't seem like it but I think I am happy for whatever you are having right now. The only pain that I can't seem to overlook in this one is that I can never say the things that I want. That's already unnecessary anyway. I hope he makes you feel everything you ever wanted to be taken as. I hope he never disappoints. I hope he looks at you in the same way you look at him. I hope...I hope you could see me being happy for you as much as I hope I could see me that way too.

You are still as beautiful as I remember you to be. I thought you'd like to know that.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Personal: Trying to jettison and save my sinking ship.

So it finally dawned on me. Some things are best forgotten and buried to the depths of your life's worst regrets. Things just don't go your way. It's not just your world. You don't own it. You just thrive in it. You live to live the days that you've borrowed. The truth is everyone lives in this world to satisfy themselves. We are like our hands. We point, we lure, we caress, we touch, we grope and for the most part, we push and pull. Symbolic.

She was everything I ever wanted. She was so close but I had to push and break it apart. Tear it. Mangle it. Hoping that it could somehow lead us to the understanding that we do need each other. I don't wanna be in the friendzone all my life. But was that the point of it really? Unfortunately, things just got logically melded that she ended up pushing and breaking me apart without even knowing it. Ironic. She made me get into hard and lyrical alternative rock. I ain't looking at you Alanis so shut up.

You have no idea how much it strangles me. It consumes me even with me denying to the expanse of my entire restraint. My leniency has turned me embittered. You are happy. You look so beautiful. You were like Christmas morning and I was a kid hoping for a gift that someone already got. But I am still hoping. I don't care what people think. They think I'm stupid. They even speculated. Well, I'm not dumb and they are stupid. They are daft, gormless, deliberately noncomprehending and perceptively unintelligent. They are goats.

If you ever come across this sanctum of mine, do not be wary of me - please. I would like to make it clear that I am no lowlife who follows you around and schemes of hurting you to get your attention. Stalking is not my stuff and don't you ever trust Facebook. I do still pray for and of you. I'm still hoping which is the only thing I ever could do. No one ever made me want to run and hide then cry my eyes out like you did. You were all I ever wanted. You made me want to love and seek to be loved. Sheesh. That was sappy and corny but I've always liked sappy and corny - privily.

Seriously, I passionately abhor you. Why? Because you make me crazy. You made me want to catch you all the time but I can't cause you won't. At least, for me; at least, for now.

I'm pretty sure that I sound like someone who just got straitjacketed. Confusing and contradicting. But, however this turns out and comes over to you, one thing remains true; I l*&# you. At least, for me; at least, for now.

**Pardon. Just letting it all hang out.